On the mechanics of sex. Or lack thereof.
Imagine this situation: he's been very loving with you these last days. But you know what's going on. That can only mean one thing: he's gotten over the 'urge'he sometimes has by probaly jerking off whether on the computer or with the use of one of his vids. It's happened before and it will keep on happening. It's always the same. He gets off on his own. And then he gets all cuddly, tender, and he tells you he loves you.
You have come to the realization that he's not able to put those two things together. He still touches you and kisses you and plays with you. He cooks for you and talks with you and goes out walking with you. But sex is the furthest thing from his mind in what refers expressing love. You sometimes think that maybe for him it's just this mechanic, inevitable urge that pops up once in a week and that needs to be taken care of. And then he moves on.
Isn't that funny? That someone who is so obvoiusly caring and affectionate cannot find pleasure in pleasure with someone else? Not even the man he says he loves? And deep down yo know it's not because he hasn't tried. It's because that's the way he's wired? The way his upbringing has made him? Or his religion, or whatever it is that makes him who he is? You guess it's something you'll have to live with. Pure and simple. No Dan Savage has to tell you that if the rest of the relationship works then you still have some room to move in. Not into 'turning him on' to sex -he obviously likes sex- just not exactly the same way you do. Bargaining in these cases is something that you do for your own peace of mind.
You also wonder what you would do in case sex does come back to your life. Just not with him. But with someone else. Then you will have to reconcile the fact that you love one man but have sex with another? Because the day will come that you give in to the urge to have sex the way you like it. With lots of spit and sweat. Where you explore another man's body without restrictions. Sex that makes you hard, fearless. Sex that makes you loose and pliable. Sex that makes you want to give in and surrender yourself to that man you want so much. Sex that makes you breathe faster, sex that leaves you exhausted, hoarse. Sex the way you like it.
Meanwhile, there's the vicarious experience that the 'net gives you. And for awhile that'll suffice. But for how long? That is the question that keeps you awake at nights. And I guess there'll be some more to come. Good thing you know it. Don't you think?