fiendin'

When this song came out, I was learning that sometimes your ex may have the best intentions when he tries to stay in your life but that it is NOT the best for you. He probably tried to do what he thought was best bot both of us at that time. I really fell for him, I was probably in a vulnerable position, and getting in a relationship may have not been the best decision at that time. His name is Robert and he broke my heart. It's hard, when somebody breaks up with you, to understand their reasons. But hindsight is 20/20 as they say, so yeah. Now I can look back and talk about it.

It was a very unusual time for me. I was in a weird headspace. It was the perfect storm and I had to weather it. Let me give you some background, though. It's all in the context, as with everything in life.

Picture this: First Year student. New college. Culture shock. You are living with a roomie in a new town, starting a new program and have no idea what to expect. It's all about adapting to the new town and the new apartment and the new setting. Then one night you go out because you have a test and you are fed up with studying and decide that what you need is some fresh air and something to drink. So you just walk around main street and decide to go in the first place that looks inviting and fun.

 Then you happen to be in a bar with a pool table. You know, common college town fixture. You've never played pool, but the guy playing pool keeps giving you the eye and for a moment you forget you have that test. He's cute and he smiles and you are interested. You bond over your not being able to play. You touch a little (the excuse of the pool table comes just handy) and from that night on you are basically inseparable. For the next more or less eight months you are together and for sure you think this is it.

At one point you decide to share an apartment with him. Everything looks really good. But you don't have a car. He drives a stick shift. You have no idea how to drive one. You stay home most of the time. It all becomes very domestic. You are kind of in sweats and t-shirts most of the time because you don't really go out much, what with the driving and the apartment being not very accesible through public transportation. You're kind of limited on what you can do. Then the sex begins to waver. You still want him, and he does make an effort. The honeymoon period is over. Then you discover that he's back on his meds. He stopped taking them because he wanted to be able to fuck you. But the meds kinda fuck THAT up. Between a rock and hard place.

One day, you have a heart to heart and you discover that he still loves you, but he's just not in love with you anymore. He cries a little. You cry a lot. You decide to stay together and see what happens. it's easier, you see, to share the apartment and the meals and the utilities. And the comfort of being together. It's way too much. There is always that last thing that brings it all to a point. The night you can hear through the wall that he's fucking someone else on the bed you just recently shared is the last straw. You may not be a good fit for a roommate with someone for whom you still have strong feelings.

So you start meeting other men. But it's just not good. But you try. You go out to dinner with them. You go to the movies with them. You sleep with some of them. But you are still living together. He cannot explain how is it that you go out so often and the such. You tell him you're trying to recover some of your smashed self-esteem. But you still have feelings for him. So you do what people do in these cases: go to counseling.

After some tearful sessions, you decide to follow your counselor's advice: you have got to move out. So you do it. You go see a cute one bedroom but there's people living there for part of the semester so you sleep on a friend's sofa for two weeks. It's that urgent you leave. Those two weeks feel like two months. You live out of a suitcase and eat in the Student Union. You don't go out. All you do is study and wait for that apartment to be yours.

And then you get that apartment. But you've got nothing. You never thought this would happen, you only have your clothes, some books, some CDs and a boombox. So you get some Goodwill furniture. You start to breathe. Some weeks go by. Your grades stay up and you grow your hair a little. You sleep with one guy and you let him stay the night. You make him breakfast. You seem to be getting better.

Then of course you meet him again. It's a college town after all. You start talking again. He's not seeing that engineering student anymore. He's still studying Italian and playing the piano. He misses you. He starts visiting you. Spending time at your place. Holding your hand. In a few weeks you are inseparable. Again. You're not sleeping together, though. That is out. He offers to pay for your cable. Yo say no. He offers to pay for your phone. You say no. You still go out to dinner. You go visit some of his friends. Your friends wonder if you're back together.

You tell you therapist you're seeing him again. Your therapist tells you you need to stop seeing him right away. STAT. You cry a little. It feels so good to have him back. But it's maddening not to have him. You plow along for a couple of weeks. Then one night you tell him you cannot see him again. He's mad. He cannot understand why. You tell him it's for your own sanity. You cry a little. You seem to cry a little a lot when you're around him.

You graduate but at that point you haven't seen each other for almost a whole semester. You move out of your one bedroom. You've met somebody new. But you still think about him once in a while. After all, it's hard to forget the man who broke your heart. Right?

xoxo


p.s. the whole album is a joy 'cause Macy is a character. Take a listen to Macy Gray Live.