The gay decades
Oh thank goodness I am not the same guy I was when I was in my twenties! I was an impossible case. The silliness, the swagger, the sense of invulnerability... But I was a fool when it came to men. Gave them too much power over me. Had my heart broken several times and just had to dust myself up and kept going. I think I've changed through the decades in what concerns my view of the world, but some things have stayed: I'm still an inveterate romantic and I tend to fall hard for men who are sometimes not the best for me. But I'm learning. Hey, there's a curve!
That's why it was so interesting that Davey (always Davey) would bring up these topics with men in their twenties, thirties and forties. The more things change, am I right? It was very interesting to hear what they had to say. And I saw myself in some of their answers. So, about those questions: let’s see..
- Douching? Yes, douching. It's necessary with some men. Really.
- Fav sex toy? I think the Aneros? I have never tried a sleeve, though. People swear by it.
- Sexually monogamous? I mean... I agree with the idea of being emotionally monogamous and sexually monoga-mish, as Dan Savage calls it. I don't think being monogamous is for everybody. Same for being open. Lurkie, 2:11
- Great sex requires some sort of connection. Can you have great sex with no emotional connection? Most probably. Been there. You can have great sex with a hot stranger in a manger, but that's gonna be kind of a one-off kind of experience. Right now? I want more and more often.
- What would I tell my teen self? To choose more wisely. I fucked some men that were absolute trash. I should have prioritized quality over quantity.
- What really turns me on? I agree: great conversation and kissing. A man can literally talk me into bed and seduce me with a kiss. It's happened before.
- I don't think I have paid for porn in the last fifteen years. I have not owned a porn DVD in more than twenty years. And I have never paid for porn on a website. All the porn I watch or own right now has been 'free'.
- How has sex changed in the last five years? It's been kind of a rollercoaster. But I've been more open to new things and able to admit that there are some things I really don't like to do sexually. I think I have also been more vocal about what is it that I like. Assertiveness, am I right?
- Biggest pet peeves during sex? Cleanliness. And men that get too porn-y or are a stick in the mud; extremes can be vicious. I do like a man who moans and groans and tells me dirty things. But some can be too Jeff Stryker for my taste. Or just lay there. Ugh.
- How many people have I had sex with? I literally stopped counting when I passed the fifty men mark. And that was years ago. I did keep a diary of the men I had sex with when I was like, nineteen. Yes, I had a diary. With a lock. And I did put stars next to their names. No shame. At all. In the last years, it's been easier to keep track of the men in my life. I guess as we get older, sex becomes a much more conscious decision.
- I think it's more intimate to hold someone's hand in public. Not that I'd take someone's load, but I think that holding another man's hand in public is both a statement and a declaration of an intimacy that cannot be broken by stares. Many men see sex as something inconsequential, something they can get at the drop of a hat in any truck stop bathroom. A load is expected. But holding another man's hand in public? Now, that's being manly.
- As for hooking up, it's never been my favorite sport. I got on Grindr because of a bet with someone. I got off Grindr because it was boring. It was. It was repetitive and an exercise in futility. Too many flakes, too many closeted men, too many liers, too much catfishing. So, yes. I'm over hooking up. Dating is more fun.
So do you agree with their assessment? With mine? I think we all have to change through the years. I am not -thankfully- the same guy I was when I was twenty. I am also more comfortable in my own skin. We all evolve and grow in different directions. Even though I do think that some gay men suffer of the Peter Pan syndrome, most of us move on and grow and change with age. Goddess, was I a brat!
XOXO
P.S. as for our guides...
Oh, his IG is adorable!
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To begin: I love Davey so much!
ReplyDeleteAbout grindr, I'm using it now a loto, but only because my cruising bar is closed for COVID-19.
What I find disturbing is that some who initially seem interested, then fade away. And this makes me nervous, because I need sex like air!
Yes! Davey is dry cool and handsome! I like him a lot. He’s educated a whole generation of gay men about things not taught in schools.
DeleteAnd Grindr tends to cause that anxiety.
XoXo
I lived a cloistered life in my 20s and 30s. Seriously. I literally didn’t have sex with another person until my 30s. I was overweight, an introvert, a homebody and probably not too happy with myself. Then I found porn and I found bisexual porn really turned me on.
ReplyDeleteThen I found gay.com, then Grindr and I found it fascinating that you could find guys to have sex with that way. I wasn’t into bars and nightlife. And I found a guy I really connected with and got rid of the apps. But life was (is) complicated and things change and you find yourself kind of back where you were.
So if your one of the youngsters, find your sexual voice. Find out what and who you like. You need to put yourself out there and explore.
XOXO đŸ‘¨❤️đŸ’‹đŸ‘¨
We all have our own awakening. There really is not a ‘time’ to start having sex, I think. Gay.com was instrumental in many a man finding himself. So was grindr. And they fulfill a need.
DeleteAnd I think that’s what I like about Davey and his videos: they open a window for us to explore.
XoXo
I came out really late in life and I wish I could have been more brave back in the day. I would have learned so much more. Would have experienced more relationships and would have been more happy for a longer period of my life.
ReplyDeleteWho needs to pay for porn when there is the hub?
Yeah, but were you ready earlier? It’s hard to say and we cannot predict what we’d had done, right?
DeleteYeah, it may seem easier to do a ton of things when we were younger, but we also make tons of stupid mistakes. It evens out I think.
And the porn online is incredible. Really.
XoXo
Well..... If I had more confidence in myself in my 20s, I would've had more sex with more people. As it turned out, the circle jerks in the military was the most often. Fri/Sat nights of course all us guys would try to pick up women. Fail? Go to the circle jerk.
ReplyDeleteHow many partners? If you don't count the guys in the circle jerks or the j/o groups.... under 10. (I know, I know....boring, right?)
Monogamy? I used to think it was necessary. Well, emotionally, it's the best. Sexually, I don't think it's necessary. As wife #2 has put it: Sex is not love. (Which might explain why she didn't care about the j/o group.)
Now? Holy crap. I'd be happy if I could even have sex with my wife. *slightly heavy sigh* XOXO
One of the things I’ll never understand, Big, is a bunch of straight men jerking off together. It’s so.. homoerotic?
DeleteAnd who says that quantity means quality? Some People have fulfilling sex lives and have had a partners. I know men who have had dozens and are still ‘looking’.
And wife number two may be on to something...
XoXo
Every decade has been different. But I have always wanted a relationship, longterm, and to make a home with someone. Even in my twenties, I wanted that, and had some that lasted a minute and some that lasted a mile. The longest relationship before Carlos was seven years, but we never lived together as he had closet issues. But with Carlos I found someone who wanted the same things I did, and, for the most part, we were compatible and adapted where we needed, and wanted, to adapt.
ReplyDeleteSmooth sailing the last twenty years? Not always, but it's been a good ride.
And I think that’s as valid as wanting to ‘explore’. It all depends on what we want or need. I think that having one or two relationships also have ourselves (wether a minute or a mile they all help!).
DeleteFinding someone really is fantastic. Especially if we find out we can make it work.
XoXo
I have passed the "Best Used By" date, so I have nothing but memories. When Davey said he's had 48 feet of cock I spit out my coffee.LOLOLOLOL.....
ReplyDeleteI think I am the same person as I was in my teens when I first had sex. Always open for anything. But then I have played the role of a sub (in bed) most of my life. As far as intimacy, there is nothing like the feeling of a cock throbbing inside you as it unloads. My husband and I do hold hands in public walking down the street. I am monogamous (32 years) but I still drool over a furry six footer in a wife beater with rough calloused hands.
I have NEVER used a condom. I went celibate during the AIDS years as I worked with those dying with the disease. I also have never paid for porn.
ps, your tiny apartment post looked very much like my house. Be sure to let AD know I'm available for a layout. lol
Hahaha Jimmy, there’s no such thing as expiration date for people! We can be on the shelf for a long time. And I also cackled about the 48 feet of cock. Put it that way...
DeleteAnd some things about ourselves do not really change. Being open for anything is cool. It makes us decide on what is that we really like, no?
Holding hands is sooo romantic!
And a furry six footer in a wife beater with rough calluses hands? Sign me up!
XoXo
PS I’ll let AD know! LoL
I'm in a monogamous solitary relationship with myself and it works for me. I was in a relationship for almost a year once and was so relived when it finally ended.
ReplyDeleteHey, if it works....
DeleteI don’t think everybody is meant to be in a long term relationship and not everybody has to be in one. I have known people who have been on their own for years and years and they were fine.
XOXO
Goddess, was I a slut! I was completely treacherous in my late teens and 20!!!!! No journal for me. When you said that I went right to Tallulah Bankhead. "Only good girl kept diaries. Bad girls didn't have the time." Yep, that was me. Pretty bad in my 30's starting out. The first two dating relationships ended badly. And even when I met the ex and that went for 13 years, and it ended on a good note, I thought never again will I invest time ....and that was when the ice queen was created. I went back to feeling my oats again, and still did up to the pandemic somewhat, but not anywhere near what it had been. I just kept a few regulars on speed dial, lol! I think the Lad and Warbucks tamed me to a point, and deep down I know they probably want more, but I'm not going through it again. Otherwise, I'm on the same page with you on a lot of your points above. Sometimes Six...I swear you keep me grounded...and I say that in a good way.
ReplyDeleteWhat a miss most is sleeping in bed with my head on the chest on a partner and spooning. I'd never said that years ago...so things change. And if you tell anyone, Ill deny it. lmao!đŸ’—đŸ’—đŸ’—
Sometimes Maddie, your like a cute little puppy. I just want to pick up and hug and cuddle. We will rid you as the ice queen non sense yet.
DeleteHahahahaha same!
DeleteI have had long term relationships, too. Some that have lasted long (in gay years) and I’ve also had some regulars on speed dial. Keeping a long term relationship is a LOT of work.
Oh, sleeping with someone and cuddling really is the BEST, I agree.
Haha and I’m glad I keep you grounded!
XoXo
They are adorbs. I was a late bloomer... and slow to come out. I distracted myself with what I called a career for the first three decades. Then... when I was 30 something? Super slut. Making up for lost time. I'm better (?) (more selective) now. And appreciate repeat business. Now, this covid thing put a huge damper on all my fun, so... this summer? I am going to be making up for lost time again. (I hope). I journaled for years. I cannot read them. Too myopic, too self-involved. What a coward, that person. I try not to spend too much time wishing I'd done things differently. If I had? I'd be dead.
ReplyDeleteI’ve known some late bloomers, and I don’t think that detracts from anything. Do some of them think they could have come out earlier? Some do. Some don’t. And the super slutty phase? Been there. Many people I know have had it.
DeleteAnd journaling is useful, I think. It makes me look back on the silly things I’ve done. Cautionary tales, I call them. Wishing we should have done things differently is an exercise in futility.
If you’re alive because of the decisions you made, then those were good decisions. Simple.
XoXo
An intresting post. I don't know I have changed much since coming up. I still have a pretty active sex life, although I'm with the boy now for several months. I have no clue if Ill be relationship material or not, we shall see. I have never been a hand holder in public. I seem to be so more private, not sure why. The only big difference I see more then anything in the going out. I not a huge club person like I was. I guess we 'll see how the rest of the 30's go.
ReplyDeleteOh, some of us remain sexually active all our lives. Or get into monogamish relationships. And you may be relationship material if you are with someone who shares your point of view, of course.
ReplyDeleteAnd I’d like to know more about the hand holding. That’s interesting, knowing how sex positive you are!
And I stopped going to clubs years ago. Too much work.
XoXo